The Disappearing Guv

June 24, 2009 at 11:53 am | Posted in Humor, Politics | Leave a comment

Well, it seems that South Carolina’s governor and presidential hopeful, one of (I believe) three governors who tried to refuse bailout funds, has resurfaced. He was in Argentina—or at least that’s where the plane he was on came from.

Of course he left the wife and kids at home during his Father’s Day break. He didn’t even tell them where he was going. Mrs. Sanford is reported to have said, “I don’t know where he is!” Now that he’s back she may have a few more words for him.

So it seems that the “hiking the Appalachian Trail” story was a cover story. Not a very good one: hiking the Appalachian Trail on Father’s Day weekend, leaving your kids at home, making no logistical arrangements, taking no camping equipment or supplies—well, it just doesn’t hold water. Even if one of the days he was “on the trail” turns out to be Nude Hiking Day.

I figured he was at Disneyland, checking to see if there really is a plan for a high-speed monorail from Las Vegas, or maybe in Alaska, making sure you can really see Russia from Sarah Palin’s front porch. You can’t be too careful about running mates, you know.

But the new cover story is that he was in Buenos Aires. Well, he flew back to Atlanta from Buenos Aires anyway. He hasn’t said, as of this writing, what he was doing there. Presumably taking in the sights, putting away an Argentine Steak dinner or two, and maybe even sipping a glass of the native rosé.


Maybe he knows a dark-eyed senorita. Maybe he was buying a house. Possibly he was negotiating a foreign aid agreement, in case the federal bailout money he didn’t want to accept isn’t enough to cover the budget gap.

I don’t know…but I bet we’ll find out!


Observations in a Parking Lot

February 21, 2009 at 1:58 pm | Posted in Humor | 1 Comment

Parking lots are a lot like zoos, except the inmates are vehicles, and in some cases people, instead of animals.

Recently I went to a restaurant that will never get five stars. But the price is right, and my table overlooked the parking lot, which had a lot of pickup trucks in it, with quite a few SUVs mixed in. The occasional cars looked like the flowers in an overgrown garden. They were wishing somebody would get the damn trucks out of there so they could get some sunshine.

But what struck me was the things in the front license plate holders of these vehicles. You see, I live in an enlightened state that has long since dispensed with tags on the fronts of vehicles. (It is vastly unenlightened in other ways, but we won’t go into that now.) The front license plate holders of our vehicles are thus available for their owners to express themselves. Of course these non-license plates don’t have quite as much variety as their cousins the bumper stickers, but they allow at least some personal creativity.

Of course there were the usual American Flag tags (I used to have one of those myself) and a variety of religious motifs. My favorite of the latter is one that looks like the Harley Davidson logo, but substitutes Jesus and Christ for Harley and Davidson. I expect that William S. Harley and Arthur Davidson would be astonished, and perhaps hopeful that if Christ were around today he would be riding one. I’m told by one of my more mystical friends that he is and he does, but that only makes me wonder (even more) about my mystical friend.

Then there are the tags that purport to describe the owner of the vehicle. One said “Native Texan,” making me wonder what the vehicle is doing here. Another said “SOFTAIL,” making me wonder…Oh, never mind, we’re not going to go there. My all-time favorite (so far) was on the front of a huge, black, diesel-powered, maximum horsepower/towing/cargo capacity, ugly (but very shiny) pickup truck. You know, the kind that shouts, “my owner is a Real man and you’re not,” and is frequently purchased by people who aren’t entirely sure that they are “real” men. I considered my hypothesis proved when I saw the sign in the front license plate holder: it said, “Mr. Stud Muffin.”

Well…if you have a favorite front non-license plate, post it below. We can all use a laugh.

Political Correctness Defined

May 24, 2008 at 8:41 am | Posted in Humor | 2 Comments

The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote:

“Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

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